I feel like such shit.
Just wrote a post on my personal blog about how I saw that “Colour of the Sky” post. It’s kind of amazing how we take things such as simple everyday colours for granted.
So I finally finished cleaning my room.
And now I want to be in there all the time.
It’s so awesome having a room back.
Might be a bit personal… but have any of you guys been bullied? Doesn’t matter if it was physically, verbally, or emotionally, they’re all similarly terrible. But yeah, since I just spoke about myself, I’d just be interested to know if any of my followers have gone through negative experiences like it?
I went through bullying ever since I was very young. People made fun of me because I talked to myself, because I liked being alone, I had a connection with animals that people didn’t understand. When I was young and in Catholic school (where nobody should even know how to bully, but I digress), I went through my eating disorder. Part of that disorder involved me chewing whatever I did eat until it was pure liquid. I can still hear the girls at the lunch table chanting “Chew, swallow, chew, swallow” as if I didn’t know how. Kids would make fun of me for things that triggered my panic attacks, too (one girl thought screaming “human sacrifice” at me was funny. It wasn’t. Then she wondered why I flipped shit on her.) Even the teachers made fun of me and just waved me off (once my PE teacher wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom in an emergency. Take a guess what happened.) I was made to feel inadequate because I couldn’t stay in mass due to severe claustrophobia and panic.
After I switched schools and got into public school, things got worse. I was new and didn’t understand how the system worked. Again, the panic attacks were used against me. The boys in my maths class were the worst… they’d come over and fart near my desk, they once whipped a ball at my head while I was fixing my earrings (and almost ripped my earring THROUGH my earlobe). I live in a town that’s largely inhabited by hunters, so when I came in wearing a shirt with a deer on it, they’d scream shit like “I shot Bambi” and other crude things. I had crushes on two boys who subsequently made my life a living hell (being labeled “stalker” despite NOT stalking them, running away and calling me a freak when I so much as said hi, sending their friends after me, etc). Eighth grade wasn’t better. People made fun of me for talking about things I liked (Gorillaz, LotR, MLP, etc). My “friends” made fun of me for things that I took very personally. The boys in my maths class made fun of me and threatened to kill my horse (and didn’t get in trouble, but when I motioned for a kid to shut up I was given detention). I went through a very brief period where I thought about suicide. I was made fun of for crying, for not being able to run in PE and hyperventilating, for forgetting homework. Again, teachers and counselors did nothing to help (with the exception of the librarians and art teachers).
High school was just as bad. Freshmen year I was in a class with mostly seniors who made fun of me for the dumbest things (like being a freshman). I went through a bit of a phase where I tried to be like a good friend of mine (who was pressuring me to be more like her). I was labelled as a freak and all that fun shit. Panic attacks didn’t get better. There were points where I had only about three friends, one of which took me under her wing and introduced me to some amazing people. I developed hypersomnia and couldn’t stay awake during certain classes. I freaked out during dissections and gross videos in Bio. I was constantly told I was going to fail. Kids tried to get me in trouble for no reason. A kid tried to set my hair on fire. I was made fun of for getting up to sing at a music showcase.
Sophomore year was easier.. sort of. I was placed in emotional support. But it didn’t help. I was made fun of for my ideas (which were outside the “norm”), for the hypersomnia… a teacher got me in trouble because my panic attacks cause me to need water at all times, and I was late by about thirty seconds for buying a bottle from the cafeteria or because I couldn’t get to class fast enough. I got a death threat from another student and it wasn’t taken seriously. Again, constantly told I was going to fail or that I was out of line when I wasn’t. A teacher threatened to take away a drawing I did of a harpy because it was “vulgar” or “inappropriate” (because it had a woman’s breasts. Sorry, I didn’t invent the mythology.) I once tried to take a dance class and was suspended because I couldn’t move the next day (no, I’m not joking). Kids told me to kill myself.
Junior year was probably easiest, I had a bunch of friends, my grades were good, I behaved well, I had teachers I liked. But again, panic attacks, general bullying, whatever. I remember one incident where I saw an enormous spider and literally could not see straight because of my panic attack, and the kids in my class mocked me and threatened to pick up the spider and throw it in my hair, etc. I was also somewhat sexually harassed (kids walking behind me whooping and talking about my ass, playing dumb when I turned to look at them).
Senior year was when things got bad. I was assaulted on a school bus… a kid that always liked to start trouble with me decided he wanted to sit with me, and after politely saying no to avoid confrontation, he bodyslammed me repeatedly and hit my head against the window. His friends started throwing my stuff all over the bus. I had to get off miles away from my house in cold weather and call my dad to come get me. (And who got in trouble? Me. For quietly saying ‘Get the fuck out of the seat’. Yeah.) I was made fun of by class mates and was actually in a sense kicked out of spirit week simply because they didn’t like me. A girl turned a bunch of people against me because SHE made up a disgusting lie about herself (and guess who got in trouble). I also brought my laptop to school one day and a teacher’s aide tried to get me in trouble for my desktop background because it was “violent”.
Even out of school, bullying has been going on. My parents seem to think it’s fun to make fun of me for my panic attacks, hypersomnia, etc. My family has made fun of me for having an eating disorder. They’ve called me a freak because of my Tolkien collection. I went through a period (many years ago) when my dad actually became violent and started hitting me (it could have been worse, but we needed CPS involved either way). I’ve been bullied on various websites for everything and anything. I’ve received threats from people I don’t even know (one recently threatened to rape my mother, isn’t that sweet). Even my therapist liked to taunt me for being disabled (she thinks I’m making it up, taking the easy way out.) And there’s plenty of other things here that I haven’t listed.
Unfortunately for me, being different, artistic, someone with health problems, etc., bullying has become part of my life. But at the same time I’ve developed a thicker skin because of it, which is why I can take on hate so well and am more than willing to defend my friends. I really don’t let it get to me so much any more. If people want to say shit about me, fine. I’ll even give them shit to say about me. But a lot of successful people have those who bullied them. You just have to remind yourself that you’re above them in a sense, that one day they’ll be digging your ditches while you’re off having an awesome life. And what’s even better is proving them wrong. All those teachers who told me I’d never amount to anything… well, now I have my high-school diploma and a future ahead of me. And it feels great.
#tw: bullying #personal #tw: assault #tw: rape (just a mention but still)
Okay, Burger King just lost a customer.
As if changing the chicken wasn’t bad enough, now there could be horse meat in the burgers?
Nope. Not doin’ it.
I’m seriously crying right now about the whole Neil Gaiman thing.
I was going to send it as an ask, or as a fanmail, but being that it’s Neil Gaiman, I figured it might get lost or something (could you imagine how many messages he gets? Goodness.) So I made that post, poured my heart into it… Again, I didn’t expect a reply or anything, he’s a busy guy, I can’t expect him to drop everything for me.
Next thing I know, I come back from my RP blog and see that people are reblogging it. I was a bit uncomfortable at first, being that it was kind of a personal post, so I clicked on one of the rebloggers and saw that they reblogged it from Neil.
Neil. Fucking. Gaiman.
I am so excited and happy about this. Neil Gaiman has become a massive inspiration for me, and I adore his work. And to have him reply to such a personal and deep post for me is exciting and… I can’t even describe it.
Nothing will be able to ruin this day for me.
Dear Mr Gaiman,
Today, after finding out about it on Tumblr, I participated in your Keep Moving event. I was so happy to be a part of it. I wish that there were more than 140 characters to tell my stories.
When I was writing my replies, I noticed something: That I was more willing to tell you, someone I haven’t met and only know through the majesty of the written word, all my thoughts and experiences, than the people I have known the longest, including my own family.
I think I was more willing to tell you because you are a writer. As a writer and an artist, I think that whatever it is in our minds that we’re given that helps us to see and feel and believe, makes us more understanding of others, and allows us to accept what may be considered different.
When I was writing my replies to you, especially the October Tale, I felt like I could open up, as if I was writing in a diary. But I was posting it for all the world to see.
I decided recently that after a whole life of hiding, I’m going to let myself open up. I’m not going to hide my true self any more. I’m not going to be afraid any more. And I think this was the first step, a push in the right direction.
Mr Gaiman, I want to thank you for this. I think that this was really something I needed in order to make my change. It was a push to start the new part in my life story. I love that you’ve decided to do Keep Going. It’s beautiful, inspiring, and finally made me take that first step.
I don’t know if you’re ever going to see this or bother reading it, but if you do, I hope you know that you have my sincerest gratitude for helping me do this.
Many thanks and much love,
Cyra.
